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Jaguar Lives! (1 star)

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Jaguar Lives!

(12) 87min
(Arrow)

Some movies are deemed so bad as to be actually good. Others are simply plain old bad bad. Jaguar Lives! bends the rules, rewrites the book and creates its very own category of god-awful. The Jaguar (Joe Lewis) is a globetrotting martial arts genius/spy/ lover type who is tasked to unveil the identity of an evil drug lord mastermind. It might take the Jag most of the film’s running time to guess who, but most of you will have it sussed within ten minutes of a film blessed by dialogue that must have been scripted by a brain-devoid intern during a previously unpublicised writers’ strike, sound effects presumably re-mixed underwater and some staggering ‘acting’.

This paucity of talent is actually confirmed by ‘star’ Lewis in the grumpiest DVD extra you’ll ever witness. Moving with the grace of a soused great auntie, Lewis garbles every line he’s given, though to be fair, no one comes out of this calamity with any credit. Not Christopher Lee, not Barbara Bach, not John Huston, while Donald Pleasence attempts to dull his mind to the terrors around him by going way over-the-top as a cowardly Latino General. Burn before watching.

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