Keith Lemon: The Film
Atrocious feature-length character comedy from Leigh Francis
Keef Lemon (his real name’s Leigh Francis, innit?) is ‘avin’ this dream where he’s shaggin’ Kelly Brook (bang tidy!) right but then he wakes up and realises it was just a dream an’ he’s actually in that London to sell his invention, the SecuriPole, which is basic’ly just a reason for him to talk about his tallywhacker.
He messes that up but it doesn’t matter cos he gets given these phones instead that he sticks a little lemon on the back of (cos his name’s Keef Lemon, innit?) an’ he gets on telly wiv David ‘assel’off (oosh!) and real-life Kelly Brook an’ she ends up goin’ out wiv him cos he’s really rich cos of the Lemon Phone, right, an’ he throws this big party wiv loads of celebs like Jason Donovan an’ Peter Andre an’ Chris Moyles, an’ they’re all actin’ like their havin’ a good time but there’s this weird, soulless look in their eyes...
Anyway, an’ then Keef realises he’s been a total wrong 'un so he goes back home to rescue his girlfriend whose been kidnapped by an evil Geordie version of Keef what I forgot to tell you about cos it’s not really important, right, but Jedward’s in it and Keef says the word ‘minge’ a lot and it’s really funny, right, cos you don’t really need jokes when you’ve got a ginger ‘tache, a silly voice and a big fat woman swearing, do you? Yaruski!
General release from Fri 24 Aug.