The Hatton Garden Job (1 star)

The Hatton Garden Job

Diabolical crime caper based on the titular heist, featuring Matthew Goode

The second movie about the 2015 Hatton Garden safe deposit robbery (the first – Hatton Garden the Heist – was released without fanfare last year, with a higher-profile effort still to come), this abysmal true crime caper fails to satisfy on any level, thanks to an atrocious script and inept direction from Tower Block's Ronnie Thompson. In fact, it's comfortably one of the worst films of the year so far.

Matthew Goode (sporting a dodgy accent) stars as a deliberately unnamed career criminal, who's tapped for the eponymous heist by a Hungarian gangster boss (Joely Richardson, miscast and underused). He swiftly puts together a crew of mostly geriatric cockney geezers – played by Larry Lamb, Clive Russell, Phil Daniels and David Calder – and they get to work tunnelling through to the facility's vault with an industrial drill.

The film is so diabolical that it occasionally feels like a practical joke. Aside from taking some facking liberties with the facts (although the East End locations suggest otherwise, the crooks were actually from Dartford and Enfield), it's painfully dull – filled with extremely tedious scenes that serve no purpose and last far too long. At one point it feels like we're watching the gang burrowing through the wall in real-time for about twenty minutes, complete with excruciatingly loud drilling noises.

The lazily drawn characters are practically indistinguishable, and it's needlessly offensive – Calder's character tells a lengthy, unpleasant joke for no apparent reason, since that side of his character doesn't come up again, or figure into the plot. The dialogue is equally dreadful, with conversations feeling forced. And it's poorly edited and soundtracked, too, leaving the impression of a cheap Lock, Stock knock-off made by people with a total absence of talent. Frankly, you're better off waiting for the next Hatton Garden heist movie, it's unlikely to be as bad as this.

Limited release from Fri 14 Apr.

The Hatton Garden Job

  • 1 star
  • 2017
  • UK
  • 1h 33min
  • 15
  • Directed by: Ronnie Thompson
  • Cast: Matthew Goode, Joely Richardson, Stephen Moyer
  • UK release: 14 April 2017

An unnamed career criminal (Goode) puts together a crew of cockney geezers to carry out the Hatton Garden safe deposit robbery, in this absymal true crime caper. An atrocious script and inept direction make for a painfully dull viewing experience; at one point it feels like we’re watching the gang burrow through the wall…